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I Love Snow
December 8, 6:00 PM

 It started to snow. The first snow of the season! The wife and I took our hot chocolate and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge, soft flakes drift down from Heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print! It was so romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

 December 9

 We awoke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon, the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

 December 12

 The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says that by the end of winter we'll have so much snow that I'll never want to see it again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

 December 14  

Snow, lovely snow! Eight inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so! The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

 December 15

 Twenty inches forecast for tonight. Sold my van and bought a 4 x 4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all!

 December 16

 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt while putting salt on the driveway. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

 December 17

 Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but I won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right! I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

 December 20

 Electricity's back on, but had another fourteen inches of the darn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Blasted snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, but they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

 December 22

 Bob was right about a white Christmas, because thirteen more inches of the white mess fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, visited the bathroom and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Bob has a plow on his truck. I tried to hire him for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he’s lying.

 December 23

 Only two inches of snow today! And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What...is she nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

 December 24

 Six inches. Snow packed hard by the snowplows. I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the guy who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his fingernails. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the darned snowplow.

 December 25

Merry Christmas! Twenty more inches of the #@&*@#& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I really hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

 December 26

 Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

 December 27

 Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

 December 28

 Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The WIFE is driving me crazy!!

 December 29

 Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

 December 30

 Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. Nine inches predicted.

 December 31

 Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

 January 8

 I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

 ...Author Unknown

 

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